Trimley St. Mary sounds the part, doesn't it?

Nice and neat, it's imagined, and while it looks residentially respectable enough, the turn for Trimley Marshes Nature Reserve has been missed and before you know it you're down at the docks.

Yes, the Port of Felixstowe is the largest container port in the UK, so this will make for a good afternoon out? Right at the bottom of the Colneis peninsula, there's a single road in and that don't bode too well, neither. Jaywick and Barrow-in-Furness spring to mind, although Cornwall doesn't fare so badly?

Oh well, here we are in Felixstowe.

There looks to be two, no three, no four, no five, parts to Felixstowe including, as we know, the port. That's where 'Fun' Felixstowe runs down to, and by 'Fun' we mean a beach, knick-knacks and Kiss-me-Quick hats.

'Old' Felixstowe is now a residential sprawl, and Felixstowe 'Town' is where the train brings you in. Don't be fooled by the facade, however, it's purely that, these days, with a Sainsbury™s behind.

This is the original 1898 frontage, though, when the first choo-choos chuffed in, transforming the place into a fashionable seaside resort.

When Kaiser Wilhelm II wasn't busy initiating global conflicts, he was holidaying right here in Felixstowe. That's not quite true, but his wife and kids were in a swanky mansion just off the top of Bent Hill.

Such high-profile tourists bolstered the resort's reputation, and Sea Front Gardens provided the privileged with somewhere near the promenade to pose with a parasol.

These lodgings may be more modest, but the chalets indicate the visitors are still coming, something SlyBob didn't expect of Felixstowe, and it's now filed in the 'WHOA! Who put this here?' category.

You can tiddly-om-pom-pom down the prom-prom-prom towards the pier and the port's cranes, where the fleshpots are more your familiar seaside fare.

Things, however, are going rather swimmingly in the distraction of the gardens, so there's further mooching here before heading up and out via a climb that's considered quite strenuous by Suffolk standards, no doubt.

The beach huts below, by the way, are believed to be the first of their kind in Britain, replacing the modesty-preserving bathing machines from where Frau Kaiser might have got her ankles wet?

Grandiose, era-spanning accommodation is available up top for those with plenty in the way of life savings, and, just behind, Harvest House has a bit of history to it.

Building on the resort's early-20th-century boom, the Felix Hotel was soon dubbed 'Millionaire's Hotel', and had one very famous guest in 1936.

Wallis Simpson, of Edward & Mrs. Simpson fame, was waited on while she waited for her second divorce to come through. Why this would be granted by an Ipswich magistrates' isn't known, but the constitutional crisis that followed the freedom to marry the king made all the front pages back then.

If only they'd waited 90 years for social attitudes to soften, I mean, it's not as if the Royals are regularly in the news, these days, right Andy and Harry?

They could also have had the 'do' here, although the ornate interior no longer appears to operate as a wedding venue. That's not thought to be down to complaints from the elderly residents who live in luxurious retirement...

'I'm sorry sir, is the music too loud?' Pardon?

Hamilton Road leads back up to town and a more-than-serviceable shopping area with a smattering of good-value caffs and independents amongst the charitable and chains.

If you're similarly ignorant of this part of South Suffolk then shame on you too! We're no strangers to Teesport, the UK's 6th largest docks, but there's not nearly as nice an afternoon out to be had in the 'Boro.

Hang on! You said earlier there are five parts to Felixstowe? 'Fun', 'Old', 'Town' and port only makes four. Is SlyBob secretly working for the Felixstowe Tourist Board?

Well, head north on a narrow road through a golf course, and Ferry Road is the clue. Yes, we're in semi-familiar territory at Felixstowe Ferry, which regular readers, yeah right, will remember from over the tidal River Deben at Bawdsey Quay.

This is proper old-skool, fishing village vibe, where the ferry in question might involve waving at a man on the other side.

Fisherfolk gather at the Ferry Boat Inn on stormy evenings to trade tragic tales and complain of post-Brexit™ Total Allowable Catch quotas, no doubt.

It's also a hot spot for birdwatching types who can be seen twitching furiously on the sea wall. More of a raised bank, really, it leads into the wetland and the 'King's Fleet', an artificial channel from the 13th century when things were far more navigable, and monarchs would freely fight with France.

Speaking of which, the village is home to two of Felixstowe's eight original Martello Towers, constructed along the coast in the early 1800s to curtail Napoleon's European vacation plans

Tower 'U' is near the ferry and has been repurposed for the residential, but tower 'T' is disused and sits in the middle of the golf course.

The golf course, you say? Hole in one?

Probably. They're both over 200 years old, you know.